Childhood Wisdom

I was trying to explain to Bella about Nana having 3 babies, one being me and the other two, her Uncle Jesse and Auntie Amber. Then I went on to try and explain my dad to her, who is my stepdad, the only dad I claim. Then she asked me about Prentiss (my mom's boyfriend). I could see her confusion. Then she said "Is Prentiss extra? Is he here to keep Nana safe?" Like I said, child wisdom, you gotta love it.

The Wish

Bella asked me the other day, "Mommie, do wishes come true?" I said, "yes." (I believe that.) She said, " Was I your wish?" Yes, yes she was.

It's not easy being Cheesy

Adjusting to life as a SAHM has been....well interesting. I have spent half the year I am taking off from work confused and stuck. Certainly I don't mean to suggest that I am not confused or unstuck right now but I am a bit better. It has taken me a very long time to get used to the idea that I don't have to support my family, or at the very least I don't have to be the main support. The money I get from unemployment keeps me from feeling like a total bum and I suppose I will feel differently when that stops coming. My house is in shambles. It looks like a place that a depressed person lives or exists. Yet I am not depressed, just stuck. But...everyday and I mean every hour of every day my house is filled with the laughter, screams of joy, and the questions of the most amazing child. I am in love with my child. She is smart, beautiful, and so agonizingly funny that everyday I am awed. My journey as a mother started so suddenly, and against my will, then accelerated into a panicky race for survival, and now, just now, it has settled into a joyful adventure. She will leave me in a few months, off to her own adventures and life, but for now she is mine. and this is my life. and I love it.

Grace for today

Grace x 5 for today.

1. giggling in bed with Bella
2. campfire this evening in my yard
3. only 1 more day of the work week to go
4. finding out porcelain skin is in this year, eliminating the need to wear panty hose to my Christmas party
5. my mom

Long time, no see

Wow, It has been a long time since I posted. I have been scared to post, why? I don't know. Provision of an fully detailed update will follow. Suffice to say "what a long strange trip it has been..." I have so much to say, and it is late. So I say this: I am back, I intend on blogging a personal mission statement. I particularly like the idea of daily blogging 5 moments of grace I find daily or have experienced in the past. This is supposed to last 365 days. So here is todays.
1. insight provided by mother
2. my child saying I love you mommie
3. transcending the icky
4. my brain
5. a few tears

An open letter to my estranged husband, Tim. (to quickly update, I left Tim on December 16th in a violent episode, at the end of my rope, moved to North Carolina to live with my Mom. Thank god for family)

Dear Tim,

I am writing you today to release you from my life. So much of my time, energy, and love has been channeled toward you these past few years that I feel lost and empty and directionless without you but I cannot continue to pour those qualities into the bottomless pit that was our relationship. I grieve over this because I had such dreams for us and for our creation of our family. When we speak now I hear in your voice the blame and frustration that you have toward me for not being able to stand anymore. What did you expect from me? I gave all the love, loyalty, belief in you that I could give. Yet, it was not enough for you. I still believe in you, I still have absolute faith in you, I know you will become the person I know you are but I can't wait for that to happen. If it was just me alone, maybe I could have stuck it out. But after Bella was born, I had to make a decision. I had to choose to do my best by her. She chose us as parents and I will not let her down. You talk a lot about what I have taken from you (Bella) but I wonder if you will ever understand what you took from me. I had a dream for us. I thought when I met you that my loneliness would be over. For the first time in my life, I fit with someone. In spite of the traumatic, amazing, miraculous way, Bella entered our lives, I thought that at last everything I had ever dreamed of had come true. But as I struggled with accepting the enormous responsibility of raising this beautiful angel babe, struggled to maintain my own identity, struggled to continue to work, pay bills, be a good mom and wife, I felt you pull away and a chasm grew between us. Once again, I felt lonely. I might have been able to live like that but when you chose your Mom over our family, I realized I was on my own. Again. The hurt, the pain, the gutwrenching sorrow are all too much for me to bear. The lack of recognition for what I have accomplished, the lack of acknowledgement of my struggles and success with motherhood, and the obvious, blatant choosing of sides makes me realize that this is one battle I am not going to win. I release you. I release myself. I am moving forward with my life with no regrets. I take from this experience all the good. I take all the lessons learned.
I am left with only love for you Tim. love and tremendous respect. I wish you all the best and I love you with all my heart. Yvette

Halloversary

I was just watching a buzzard gliding in a column of air. It only flapped its wings once or twice before it caught the updraft and then it just floated around and around in a circle until it was just a speck in the sky. Buzzards are ugly birds when you view them up close and I have heard they can smell the rotten carnage they love so much for 40 miles away. But I saw only beauty in this enormous bird as it circled high above the earth. The bird allowed itself to be carried along, not fighting against the current but adjusting only the arch of the wings to better catch the draft. I cannot pretend to know whether the bird had an agenda, a destination, a place to be. I don't know if it felt frantic when the draft took it right instead of left, it seemed not to care. I do know that its beauty came from the glide, the effortless movement, and the peace it exuded as it circled up and up. Today is the beginning of my eighth year with Tim. I had intended to write the story of how we met, how I felt, to try and recapture my appreciation for what originally brought us together. Then I watched the buzzard. Up close, lately, our relationship has been ugly. Rotten carnage lies between us in hateful words and resentful feelings. So instead of a halloversery story, I have a halloversery wish. I wish for a long, slow glide up, not fighting against the current but rather allowing the updraft to carry us away from the carnage we have created in our world. I wish for appreciation of the journey that we travel together rather than a frantic race to an unknown destination. But most of all I wish to take Tim's hand and circle up and up until we are far above our cares and we can glide in blissful peace. Happy Halloversary Tim. I love you, Yvette

Staying Alive, Staying Alive, ah ah ah

I am still here and still alive. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. I don't feel capable of explaining it all because to tell the truth, I am confused. I do not have internet access at this time so even if I wasn't confused and had great words of wisdom to post, I couldn't. I have spent the summer in flip flops. I have worked at a job that allows me, a nurse, to wear real clothes, wear flip flops, come in at 10 am, and read the newspaper. I have worked with the best group of people that I have ever worked with in my career. Now, like children starting back to school, my summer of fun has ended. I start a new job on the 28th. I will be the Assistant Director of Nursing at a long term care facility. I am completely ambivilant about this. I feel I should be excited but I'm not. There is a lot of shoulds in my life. I read somewhere, a long time ago, that shoulds denote guilt. That pretty much sums up how I feel lately. Guilty. and confused. Did I mention I am confused? Never mind, it was a rhetorical question anyway. But I remain alive and that has to count for something, doesn't it? I love you all, Yvette