Friday, February 10, 2006

The Beatles were right, all you need is love

Today I was blog reading and a line I read about addiction struck me as ironically true. This author stated (after listing some truly scary behavior committed in the obsession of getting high) and I paraphase that she was addict long before she behaved like one. I was thinking the same thing the other day. I seesaw almost daily with my feelings regarding lessons I want Bella to learn. I struggle with wanting her to grow up with her father and mother in a nice regular family. Then I remember we aren't a nice regular family. Then the struggle becomes about what I want her to remember about her family. The other day I called my mother and asked her about her father. Her candid answers made me question what legacy I was passing on to my daughter. At that moment I realized that the addictive personality was woven in the fabric of my DNA and that the explosiion of cells produced between Tim and I carries that same potential to self destruct. What a truly SOBERING thought. My body aches to protect Bella. Last night when her little hand was squished accidently by the door, and she felt her first real pain in life, I hurt for her. Laying in the bed, stroking her tear stained cheek, listening to her snuffling in her sleep, I whispered "I love you. This is just a little hurt." I cried because of my knowledge of the potential of enormous hurt that life can inflict. I cried for loss of innocence, mine and hers. As I held that little body tight, I also hugged that little girl inside of myself that has found life to be so cruel. I hugged the little girl that was my mother who has loved and lost. I hugged the little girl in my Grandma who experienced pain. I hugged all the little girls in my family back to the beginning of time. You see, I believe that if we all love that little girl enough that we can change our DNA and that our legacy will be one of stength with magnificent stature, and peace, joy, and love. I love you all, Yvette