Monday, October 30, 2006


I was just watching a buzzard gliding in a column of air. It only flapped its wings once or twice before it caught the updraft and then it just floated around and around in a circle until it was just a speck in the sky. Buzzards are ugly birds when you view them up close and I have heard they can smell the rotten carnage they love so much for 40 miles away. But I saw only beauty in this enormous bird as it circled high above the earth. The bird allowed itself to be carried along, not fighting against the current but adjusting only the arch of the wings to better catch the draft. I cannot pretend to know whether the bird had an agenda, a destination, a place to be. I don't know if it felt frantic when the draft took it right instead of left, it seemed not to care. I do know that its beauty came from the glide, the effortless movement, and the peace it exuded as it circled up and up. Today is the beginning of my eighth year with Tim. I had intended to write the story of how we met, how I felt, to try and recapture my appreciation for what originally brought us together. Then I watched the buzzard. Up close, lately, our relationship has been ugly. Rotten carnage lies between us in hateful words and resentful feelings. So instead of a halloversery story, I have a halloversery wish. I wish for a long, slow glide up, not fighting against the current but rather allowing the updraft to carry us away from the carnage we have created in our world. I wish for appreciation of the journey that we travel together rather than a frantic race to an unknown destination. But most of all I wish to take Tim's hand and circle up and up until we are far above our cares and we can glide in blissful peace. Happy Halloversary Tim. I love you, Yvette

Friday, August 18, 2006

Staying Alive, Staying Alive, ah ah ah

I am still here and still alive. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few months. I don't feel capable of explaining it all because to tell the truth, I am confused. I do not have internet access at this time so even if I wasn't confused and had great words of wisdom to post, I couldn't. I have spent the summer in flip flops. I have worked at a job that allows me, a nurse, to wear real clothes, wear flip flops, come in at 10 am, and read the newspaper. I have worked with the best group of people that I have ever worked with in my career. Now, like children starting back to school, my summer of fun has ended. I start a new job on the 28th. I will be the Assistant Director of Nursing at a long term care facility. I am completely ambivilant about this. I feel I should be excited but I'm not. There is a lot of shoulds in my life. I read somewhere, a long time ago, that shoulds denote guilt. That pretty much sums up how I feel lately. Guilty. and confused. Did I mention I am confused? Never mind, it was a rhetorical question anyway. But I remain alive and that has to count for something, doesn't it? I love you all, Yvette

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Beatles were right, all you need is love

Today I was blog reading and a line I read about addiction struck me as ironically true. This author stated (after listing some truly scary behavior committed in the obsession of getting high) and I paraphase that she was addict long before she behaved like one. I was thinking the same thing the other day. I seesaw almost daily with my feelings regarding lessons I want Bella to learn. I struggle with wanting her to grow up with her father and mother in a nice regular family. Then I remember we aren't a nice regular family. Then the struggle becomes about what I want her to remember about her family. The other day I called my mother and asked her about her father. Her candid answers made me question what legacy I was passing on to my daughter. At that moment I realized that the addictive personality was woven in the fabric of my DNA and that the explosiion of cells produced between Tim and I carries that same potential to self destruct. What a truly SOBERING thought. My body aches to protect Bella. Last night when her little hand was squished accidently by the door, and she felt her first real pain in life, I hurt for her. Laying in the bed, stroking her tear stained cheek, listening to her snuffling in her sleep, I whispered "I love you. This is just a little hurt." I cried because of my knowledge of the potential of enormous hurt that life can inflict. I cried for loss of innocence, mine and hers. As I held that little body tight, I also hugged that little girl inside of myself that has found life to be so cruel. I hugged the little girl that was my mother who has loved and lost. I hugged the little girl in my Grandma who experienced pain. I hugged all the little girls in my family back to the beginning of time. You see, I believe that if we all love that little girl enough that we can change our DNA and that our legacy will be one of stength with magnificent stature, and peace, joy, and love. I love you all, Yvette

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Happy Birthday Angel Babe Posted by Picasa

The Book of Yvette

I just watched The Book of Daniel. The pilot episode was on this evening for 2 hours. Having Direct TV, I don’t really watch network TV anymore. A local station in Columbia interviewed prominent local religious leaders who had viewed it early on their opinions of the movie. Also the Today Show interviewed the creator and Aiden Quinn (the protagonist) about the series and their roles in that series. So when I found myself unexpectedly in possession of the remote, flipping channels, I halted on NBC.

Simply put, I loved the tongue in cheek humor and the caricaturistic portrayal of an Episcopal priest and the most dysfunctional functioning family, parish, friends, in-laws, parents I have ever seen. To top it off, the priest pops Vicoden like candy and talks to a materialized Jesus. Taking on organized religion, The Book of Daniel walks the fine line between sacrilege and sermon succeeding magnificently. It felt like watching a skilled tightrope walker teetering on his high wire. The message gleaned from the black comedy/drama resonates strongly. Your family, for better or worse, is paramount to your existence, and may be only place you, if truth be told, belong.

Don’t look for it to remain on the air long. I jinx television shows. Chances are if I like and understand it, no one else will. I never forgave the industry for canceling Cupid or Thirty Something. Both appealed to me intellectually, and I related to the experiences of the characters. , Not large enough in numbers or notoriety, I feel like my generation is squeezed between the baby boomers and Generation X, forgotten, like the middle child, invisible to Hollywood. Ironic that my generation understands and appreciates the importance of family.

Being the angel babe’s mother, I ponder my role in my family. I tolerate my family, always confused when I am misunderstood. So when I feel stifled by the constant demands of Bella, I evaluate my own ability to stifle my family, natural and extended. Perhaps that is why I communicate poorly how important family is to me. Even being a Sagittarius, I am comforted knowing where I came from. My family shows me where I am headed, for better or worse. Lets just hope it is for the better. I love you all even if I don’t always show it. Yvette

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Merry New Year

I spent all day yesterday playing with the angel babe. We fed her new baby dolls that she got for Christmas. We practiced sticking our tongues out. We chased each other through the house and then we went outside. Outside, I saw a new and different world through her eyes, finding wonder in a blade of grass and in watching a cricket hop through the grass. When reluctantly we came back inside, we danced to the theme of Cops (a nightly ritual) ate macaroni and tomatoes and laid in bed until we fell asleep snuggled against each other, her hand on my head and my hand filled with her baby feet breathing in tiny little particles of each other. Could you ask for a more perfect day? Could you ask for a more perfect year? I wish for all my loved ones, friend and family, a joyous, peaceful, loving new year in 2006. I love you all, Yvette