So Tom baby has all the answers, huh? I guess with him being a female and everything he probably knows a lot about post-partum (sp?) depression. Geez. Honestly though if you would have asked me one week ago if a person should take anti-depressants I would have said no way. However now on my fifth day of one I can say I finally feel like my old self. Maybe better than my old self. I have had a complete turn around. I have more energy, I am sleeping, really sleeping for the first time in many months. I am dreaming again. I have always had vivid dreams and for months I have not dreamed. I think it was because I wasn't sleeping. It is truly amazing how important sleep is to a person. I had gotten to the point of not being able to function. It feels a little like what I imagine it would feel to be waking up from a coma. I look back on the last few months (that is significant) and see how low I was, depleted in energy and spirit. And for the first time in a long time I can look forward and choose a path to move forward on. There is something to be said for living in the now but to be stuck and to be barely surviving in the now is not good. I think in order to really live in the now and to enjoy the bliss that state can bring, you must also be able to look back and to look forward. If you have no knowledge of where you are coming from or where you might want to go then it makes the now a stagnant, unflowing place. The now should be flowing, dynamic, in tune with the natural order of things. This is a place I intent to aspire to from this day forward. Wish me luck!!
I love you all, Yvette
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Well I had a post all typed up but I lost it. Suffice it to say, it was full of sparkling wit and funny lines. Yeah right. Oh well I am tired and will try again tommorrow. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, I can't think of this today, tommorrow is another day. I love you all, Yvette
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Well here I am again. I could go into the gory details of the last couple of months but just suffice to say that we are finally moved, things have returned to normal, and I am exhausted. Take this morning for example. The angel babe has her first tooth peeking thru her gums. This is such a big milestone in the journey of life. I am totally excited for her. However, it made for a night from hell. She slept restlessly in the bed with me, up about every 1/2 hour or so. She is running a low grade fever and is just very grumpy. I got absolutely no sleep last night and no sympathy from her dad this morning. (he slept on the couch) I called in sick to work and felt terrible about sending her off to Grandma's, like I would have if I was getting up and going to work for 12 hours. Did I get any support for my decision? No, none, nada. Just a silent feeling that I am a bad mom for not taking care of my own child. Tim being a reflective sign probably was reflecting my own disapproval and guilt feeling back to me. However, I would love to just once hear him say to me that he understands the pressures I am under and that staying home to sleep in peace was something I need to do. Why can't he say that? Why can't he make me feel like I'm not a bad person for taking a morning for myself? Why do I need him to validate me? Why do I even expect him to care? What is it in me that requires his approval constantly? I am sure it deeply rooted in my childhood struggle to gain my father's approval. I never felt good enough and I guess I still don't. This has shaped every thought I have had for 35 years. It has driven me to make the wrong choices in men, in jobs and to constantly second guess myself. I had asked the universe to give me a day off to rest and instead of taking it I created a atmosphere of guilt and shame. How can I stop doing this? Does anyone have any answers? Sometimes I feel like running away. My mother has aways said that when you run away you take yourself. So that won't work. Because whereever I end up, I will still be there and I will still be feeling not good enough. How do I heal this? I have no answers this morning, only questions. But I am back and I am back to stay. So it's just me, as I am, no other way to be. I love you all Yvette