Thursday, July 07, 2005

I'm Baaaaaack!!!!

Well here I am again. I could go into the gory details of the last couple of months but just suffice to say that we are finally moved, things have returned to normal, and I am exhausted. Take this morning for example. The angel babe has her first tooth peeking thru her gums. This is such a big milestone in the journey of life. I am totally excited for her. However, it made for a night from hell. She slept restlessly in the bed with me, up about every 1/2 hour or so. She is running a low grade fever and is just very grumpy. I got absolutely no sleep last night and no sympathy from her dad this morning. (he slept on the couch) I called in sick to work and felt terrible about sending her off to Grandma's, like I would have if I was getting up and going to work for 12 hours. Did I get any support for my decision? No, none, nada. Just a silent feeling that I am a bad mom for not taking care of my own child. Tim being a reflective sign probably was reflecting my own disapproval and guilt feeling back to me. However, I would love to just once hear him say to me that he understands the pressures I am under and that staying home to sleep in peace was something I need to do. Why can't he say that? Why can't he make me feel like I'm not a bad person for taking a morning for myself? Why do I need him to validate me? Why do I even expect him to care? What is it in me that requires his approval constantly? I am sure it deeply rooted in my childhood struggle to gain my father's approval. I never felt good enough and I guess I still don't. This has shaped every thought I have had for 35 years. It has driven me to make the wrong choices in men, in jobs and to constantly second guess myself. I had asked the universe to give me a day off to rest and instead of taking it I created a atmosphere of guilt and shame. How can I stop doing this? Does anyone have any answers? Sometimes I feel like running away. My mother has aways said that when you run away you take yourself. So that won't work. Because whereever I end up, I will still be there and I will still be feeling not good enough. How do I heal this? I have no answers this morning, only questions. But I am back and I am back to stay. So it's just me, as I am, no other way to be. I love you all Yvette


Zoamber said...

Hey Honey! You absolutely deserve to rest with out baby! It is okay to take time for yourself and don't feel a bit bad about it!!!! They say you don't really rest till they are grown but if Jesse is any indication maybe you never rest! LOL Tee Hee! I want to come see you in the next few weeks if we can work our schedules out so you have a weekend off when I am not on call. I love you, take all the rest you can get and don't worry about what anyone thinks and if he says anything about it tell him when he takes his all night turn you'll be happy to talk to him the next morning. Tee Hee. Love you, Amber

Glenda said...

Of course you did right to take the day off to rest. Whoever said we had to be validated by MEN! Validate yourself by beginning to understand that you are a good person and you don't have to save all the unfortunate souls in the world--just save yourself. Find a good affirmation and tell it to yourself daily. EX: I am a good and valid person and no one will be allowed to tell or make me believe otherwise. Get rid of those persons in your life that try to tear you down.