1. another thing I feel obligated to do.
2. blogs you can't escape from (the ones with no next blog button.
Seriously though, I have been doing a major amount of blog browsing. I have run onto a lot of interesting and excellent writers and a lot of just plain crap. Oh yeah, and lest I forget the advertising. I did leave some desparate plea on a lady's blog because she sounded like someone I could talk to on a day I was desparate to talk to anyone that didn't drink from a baby bottle. I had to work 3 12 hour shifts in a row, and the first day with the babe was pure hell. I think that when she is at Grandma's she gets way more attention than I can give her here. I give her plenty but I also think there is some value in amusing yourself while Mommy grabs some sanity. I just thought of one.
3. forgeting to add a really clever blog to your favorites and losing it.
This parenting thing is hard on me. I have been wound up tight since the babe arrived. It has made me a hateful person. I can't seem to relax. When I allow myself to feel, it is like something is sitting on my shoulders twisting a band around my head. I learned today that much of my problems are created by what I think other people are thinking about what I am doing. It is MY perception problem and it is causing me to lose my mind. Living with a reflective sign like Tim actually compounds the problem. Here is how it goes. The babe is fussing because she has not learned how to sooth herself to sleep. Somehow I decide I am not a good mother. Then Tim comes home and I think he thinks I am not a good mother because the babe is unhappy. Being reflective, he picks up on my feelings and being true to his nature reflects back to me and says something like "Perhaps you should pick her up." Now I really think he thinks I'm a bad mother. So now I'm mad. I am such a control freak. I now have to control what he reflects back to me. See! I am losing my mind. (sigh) Maybe I am just tired. Think I will go to bed.
Before I forget, today is Bella-Dawn Marie's 4 month birthday. Happy birthday to my miracle baby.
I love you all, Yvette
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I had a cave day today, me and the babe. That's what Tim calls my penchant for dark, cool houses. I closed all the blinds, turned on the ac and hibernated. When I was younger, I would sleep and not answer the door. I would call it "my ugly phase". Back then the "ugly phase" would last for weeks or months. I know now it was probably depression. Today, however, there was no depression, just contentment. I was quiet, the babe was quiet, both of us were totally relaxed and content. I also had a realization about myself. This will probably come as no surprise to those of you who know me better than I know myself. I am a perfectionist. If I can't do something perfect then I refuse to do it at all. This glorious condition I am experiencing called motherhood has helped me come to terms with this realization. There is no way in hades that I can every be a perfect parent. I cannot control every aspect of the babe's life, every experience she has, or keep her from unpleasant occurances no matter how hard I try or how perfect I am. More importantly I cannot refuse to do this because I can't be perfect. I am a mother with a child. That is the reality of the situation. I can only do my best and strive for excellence. Maybe in that I can find light to seep into the dark corners of my life where I have stuffed those "ugly things" that I refuse to complete because I am not perfect. Hmmm...
Friday, March 18, 2005
Tonight as I finish my day, I count my blessings. Once again in the other room sleeps my husband and my little girl. There is such joy and contentment and peace in that knowledge. Today was the first day both of us have had to go to work on the same day. It was total chaos this morning. But as we rushed off, me to the hospital, Tim to the construction site, I felt happy in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe happy is the wrong word. Relaxed is a better word. Tim took the baby with him to Grandma's house where I know she is safe. I had no tension in my shoulders at all today even when bed management was breathing down my neck to hurry up and empty beds they needed to fill again. There was no tension when two people were looking to me to start their iv's and I was trying to make the assignment for the night shift based on acuity. What a marvelous, beautiful feeling. No tension, just relaxation. Now there is a concept. It just makes me realize that many other people have it so much harder than I do. I am lucky to have my life, my baby, my job, my health and my relaxation. Thank you universe. I love you all Yvette
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Tonight before I retire, I am thinking about drudgery. Maybe it was the rain today or maybe it is postpartum depression but it got me thinking. When you are exhausted by your drama filled life, and you ask for a more peaceful existance, is what you receive drudgery? Sometimes when I wake up in the same old life that I fell asleep in I wonder if this is all there is. It isn't that I don't appreciate my gifts. Bella, my miracle baby, brings such joy to my life. But I sometimes feel like there has to be more. I guess my real question is about balance. When I was younger I lived my life from one peak to one valley. I was either very happy or very sad. If I traveled along for any period of time in the gentleness of being neither high or low, I eventually would get bored and create some sort of drama to send me to a pinnacle or plumment me to the depths. So why do I fret so when my life flows along in that middle ground? What keeps me from relaxing and enjoying the peace of "no drama". Yesterday, when Bella fussed all day long, I was totally exhausted. I found myself looking forward to going to work. Today as I watched her squirm and giggle at a new toy, I dreaded leaving her to go to work. Where is my enjoyment of the moment? Why am I always looking forward or glancing back. How do I exist in the gentle, middle place and not have it feel like drugery? What do you say to yourself when you wake up and look at the life that you have chosen, the life you are living, the life that is yours and wonder what you are doing, accomplishing, and is it meaniful. Then when you actually jounal your thoughts you realize that, yes, this is all there is. The child and the man peacefully sleeping in the bedroom is all there is. This is your life, this is what your doing and this is your meaniful accomplishment. While it might seem like drudgery today,it is really the sweet peace desired by your soul since the world was sang into existance. Draw the curtain on the day, allow yourself to enjoy this moment in time where all that you have, all that you love, is safe, whole, and sound. Enjoy the peace. Tomorrow is yours for the taking. I love you all Yvette
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
For some reason as I tried to type the title to this post I kept typing goose morning. Maybe the subject of the day should be geese.:) I have heard they are mean and chase other barnyard animals including their human owners. For this reason, we don't have any on our farm. But while we are talking about fowl, I have a birth announcement. One of our black hens has hatched four little fuzzy chicks. After being gone all day yesterday I came home and found that they had somehow gotten out of the brooder pen. Mama chicken was a cluckin, baby chicks were hysterically peeping. all was chaos on the farm. I had to crawl on my belly and capture them. I returned them to their mom and everything quieted down again. Then and only then could I unload the groceries and get the babe into the house. Such is life on the farm now that the main farmer has returned to work. Oh, by the way, for those of you that I haven't told, Tim has a JOB!!!! It is really quite exciting. He hates it of course but it is an income that we so desparately need right now. It will suffice until he can find something that will be more suited for him. As I type this the babe is asleep in the swing. As a new mother, I must salute the inventer of the baby swing. They should get the noble peace prize. That is what the swing brings to my household, noble peace. Speaking of the babe, she is growing like a weed and developing quite a personality. She exhausts me and exhilirates me all at the same time. Once I figure out how to download pictures to this blog I will post them so all can see her growth. We go to the doctor on the 30th of this month for her 4 month well visit. 4 months old, can you believe it? My life has changed so much since her birth. There will be more on that later. Well I must be going. I have such a small window to do my chores in between the babe's naps, that I must manage my time properly. Have a beautiful day. I love you all Yvette
Monday, March 14, 2005
Welcome to my blog. I created this as a place for my family and friends to gather. A place that doesn't involve cell phones that drop calls or phones ringing that disturb the peace of households. A place to chat, to vent, to speculate on whatever subject is on one's mind at the moment. A place for a family of writers to do what they may or may not know they do best. This place of communication has no rules or set topics only free flow communication. So put on a pot of water, brew a cup of tea, pull up a chair, relax and enjoy. I love you all. Yvette