Wednesday, March 23, 2005

A Cave Day

I had a cave day today, me and the babe. That's what Tim calls my penchant for dark, cool houses. I closed all the blinds, turned on the ac and hibernated. When I was younger, I would sleep and not answer the door. I would call it "my ugly phase". Back then the "ugly phase" would last for weeks or months. I know now it was probably depression. Today, however, there was no depression, just contentment. I was quiet, the babe was quiet, both of us were totally relaxed and content. I also had a realization about myself. This will probably come as no surprise to those of you who know me better than I know myself. I am a perfectionist. If I can't do something perfect then I refuse to do it at all. This glorious condition I am experiencing called motherhood has helped me come to terms with this realization. There is no way in hades that I can every be a perfect parent. I cannot control every aspect of the babe's life, every experience she has, or keep her from unpleasant occurances no matter how hard I try or how perfect I am. More importantly I cannot refuse to do this because I can't be perfect. I am a mother with a child. That is the reality of the situation. I can only do my best and strive for excellence. Maybe in that I can find light to seep into the dark corners of my life where I have stuffed those "ugly things" that I refuse to complete because I am not perfect. Hmmm...

1 comment:

Ilene said...

Maybe you just need a little "light" on the subject! Where did I get this child that loves the dark and all I want is sun sun and more sun. You are a very good mother by the way. As you are well aware, children don't come with instruction manuels so how about this idea. Write your own manual as you go along and that way you will be perfectly on target. Anyway I love being your mother even if I am not perfect.
Now come on out in the sun and play Ms. Perfectionist. We'll have a great time making perfect mistakes.
I love you,