A Cave Day

I had a cave day today, me and the babe. That's what Tim calls my penchant for dark, cool houses. I closed all the blinds, turned on the ac and hibernated. When I was younger, I would sleep and not answer the door. I would call it "my ugly phase". Back then the "ugly phase" would last for weeks or months. I know now it was probably depression. Today, however, there was no depression, just contentment. I was quiet, the babe was quiet, both of us were totally relaxed and content. I also had a realization about myself. This will probably come as no surprise to those of you who know me better than I know myself. I am a perfectionist. If I can't do something perfect then I refuse to do it at all. This glorious condition I am experiencing called motherhood has helped me come to terms with this realization. There is no way in hades that I can every be a perfect parent. I cannot control every aspect of the babe's life, every experience she has, or keep her from unpleasant occurances no matter how hard I try or how perfect I am. More importantly I cannot refuse to do this because I can't be perfect. I am a mother with a child. That is the reality of the situation. I can only do my best and strive for excellence. Maybe in that I can find light to seep into the dark corners of my life where I have stuffed those "ugly things" that I refuse to complete because I am not perfect. Hmmm...