Thursday, March 17, 2005

Drudgery or peace?

Tonight before I retire, I am thinking about drudgery. Maybe it was the rain today or maybe it is postpartum depression but it got me thinking. When you are exhausted by your drama filled life, and you ask for a more peaceful existance, is what you receive drudgery? Sometimes when I wake up in the same old life that I fell asleep in I wonder if this is all there is. It isn't that I don't appreciate my gifts. Bella, my miracle baby, brings such joy to my life. But I sometimes feel like there has to be more. I guess my real question is about balance. When I was younger I lived my life from one peak to one valley. I was either very happy or very sad. If I traveled along for any period of time in the gentleness of being neither high or low, I eventually would get bored and create some sort of drama to send me to a pinnacle or plumment me to the depths. So why do I fret so when my life flows along in that middle ground? What keeps me from relaxing and enjoying the peace of "no drama". Yesterday, when Bella fussed all day long, I was totally exhausted. I found myself looking forward to going to work. Today as I watched her squirm and giggle at a new toy, I dreaded leaving her to go to work. Where is my enjoyment of the moment? Why am I always looking forward or glancing back. How do I exist in the gentle, middle place and not have it feel like drugery? What do you say to yourself when you wake up and look at the life that you have chosen, the life you are living, the life that is yours and wonder what you are doing, accomplishing, and is it meaniful. Then when you actually jounal your thoughts you realize that, yes, this is all there is. The child and the man peacefully sleeping in the bedroom is all there is. This is your life, this is what your doing and this is your meaniful accomplishment. While it might seem like drudgery today,it is really the sweet peace desired by your soul since the world was sang into existance. Draw the curtain on the day, allow yourself to enjoy this moment in time where all that you have, all that you love, is safe, whole, and sound. Enjoy the peace. Tomorrow is yours for the taking. I love you all Yvette

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