Monday, February 26, 2007

An open letter to my estranged husband, Tim. (to quickly update, I left Tim on December 16th in a violent episode, at the end of my rope, moved to North Carolina to live with my Mom. Thank god for family)

Dear Tim,

I am writing you today to release you from my life. So much of my time, energy, and love has been channeled toward you these past few years that I feel lost and empty and directionless without you but I cannot continue to pour those qualities into the bottomless pit that was our relationship. I grieve over this because I had such dreams for us and for our creation of our family. When we speak now I hear in your voice the blame and frustration that you have toward me for not being able to stand anymore. What did you expect from me? I gave all the love, loyalty, belief in you that I could give. Yet, it was not enough for you. I still believe in you, I still have absolute faith in you, I know you will become the person I know you are but I can't wait for that to happen. If it was just me alone, maybe I could have stuck it out. But after Bella was born, I had to make a decision. I had to choose to do my best by her. She chose us as parents and I will not let her down. You talk a lot about what I have taken from you (Bella) but I wonder if you will ever understand what you took from me. I had a dream for us. I thought when I met you that my loneliness would be over. For the first time in my life, I fit with someone. In spite of the traumatic, amazing, miraculous way, Bella entered our lives, I thought that at last everything I had ever dreamed of had come true. But as I struggled with accepting the enormous responsibility of raising this beautiful angel babe, struggled to maintain my own identity, struggled to continue to work, pay bills, be a good mom and wife, I felt you pull away and a chasm grew between us. Once again, I felt lonely. I might have been able to live like that but when you chose your Mom over our family, I realized I was on my own. Again. The hurt, the pain, the gutwrenching sorrow are all too much for me to bear. The lack of recognition for what I have accomplished, the lack of acknowledgement of my struggles and success with motherhood, and the obvious, blatant choosing of sides makes me realize that this is one battle I am not going to win. I release you. I release myself. I am moving forward with my life with no regrets. I take from this experience all the good. I take all the lessons learned.
I am left with only love for you Tim. love and tremendous respect. I wish you all the best and I love you with all my heart. Yvette


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Ilene said...

How beautiful. You have chosen the right path, the path of love. Rosemary Althea wrote about her alcoholic husband when she realized that for her own well-being that she must leave him that she could love him and leave him and still love him. I am so glad that I am here and I hope you will find this a safe haven surrounded by a family who loves you more than life.